January 29, 2023
It was a usual Sunday morning. Gerry got up to get ready for church. I was in my sewing room. He came in to my sewing room to tell me he was going to church. It was probably around 9:30 am. He had not been talking to me, we had had some words a few days before so he had been texting me when he was going to leave the house. This morning was different. I turned around from my computer and said ok. He looked at me for a few minutes then left. I sat at my computer for a couple of hours and then decided I should probably get my shower because he would be home before too long. As I got up from the computer, the house phone rang. When I answered it there was no one there. Then my cell phone rang and again no one was there when I answered. This happened a couple of times and I started to get irritated. I got up to walk back to the bedroom and my cell phone rang again. I saw that it was a friend from church. When I answered, she sounded like she was in a panic. She told me that an ambulance was taking Gerry to the hospital, he had collapsed and the EMT's thought he had either had a stroke or heart attack. She kept telling me "but he was talking". I became hysterical. She told me she would come get me and take me to the hospital.
In total panic mode I called our neighbor, Virgil, and said "please come, Gerry was being taken to the hospital". He came right over and sobbing I told him what Tracy had told me. He told me to go get dressed and he would wait for Tracy. Tracy was there in a few minutes, helped me get dressed and then got me in her car. We gave Virgil instructions to call Erik (son) and Denise (daughter). Erik was to call everyone and let them know.
It was snowing and so we couldn't drive very fast. Gerry had been taken to Carson Tahoe Hospital in Carson City. We lived in Dayton, about 15 miles or so from the hospital. I had stopped crying, yet I do believe I was in shock. Barbie, another friend from church, had been with Gerry. She called Tracy and said she'd meet us at the hospital. We went to Emergency when we got to the hospital. I waited in the car while Tracy went to see what was going on. She came back to tell me that they wouldn't give her any information. After talking about what to do, she decided that she was going to take me back home and wait there. She stopped and got me lunch first. Leaving the place she had gone, my phone rang. It was the doctor who was attending to Gerry. He wanted to know where I was. When I told him, he said I needed to get back to the hospital right away. He asked him about life support for Gerry and I said no. Gerry had a DNR. I told him I wanted to see my husband so he wanted to know if I wanted them to make him as comfortable as possible. I said yes.
When Tracy and I got back to the hospital, the doctor had a staff person waiting for me at the front entrance. She escorted me through security and then to where the doctor would meet me. He was there within a few minutes and explained to me what was going on. He told me he would tell me exactly what had happened which I appreciated. Gerry had had a massive heart attack. His heart was critically damaged and had been like that for a long time. Gerry had been combative when he got to the ER so they intubated him in order to work on him. They had opened him up to try and stimulate the heart, however it was not working. Massive doses of different medications were given to him, they weren't working. The doctor told me that there were just a few more minutes left before he was gone. So I was taken upstairs to see him. When I got up there, the doctor came out to speak to me again and said we maybe had 20 minutes or so. He asked again if I wanted to see Gerry. I, of course, said yes and started sobbing again. I managed to gather myself together and I was taken in to see Gerry. My heart broke when I saw him. It was like all of it was not happening. He was unconscious and had the ventilator tube in his mouth. He was also hooked up to a heart monitor so the nurses at the nursing station could watch him. I started talking to him. The nurses told me he probably could hear me, however he didn't have his hearing aids in so he couldn't have heard what I was saying to him. I told him how much I loved him, that I was sorry, not to worry about me, I'd be okay. I held his hand and kissed him on the forehead. I think Tracy took a couple of pictures of him with my phone so I would have a last picture. I haven't shared them, I want them just for me.
A doctor came in to listen to his heart and at 3:07 pm, he was pronounced. I had asked if he was gone and was told yes. I had been holding his hand and I felt him "change". It was a strange feeling. I kissed him one last time and my kiss left an impression on his forehead. The nurses came in to remove the tube and the other equipment. I didn't want to see that so I said "see you soon" and "I love you" one last time and walked out of the room. I had about 20 minutes with him.
Tracy then brought me home and stayed for a little bit. Virgil came over to tell me about the phone calls he had made and stayed with me for a while. Thinking back, I think I was in shock. It did seem like I was in a fog and was like that for several months.
I regret that we had had a disagreement...that there were no last "I love you's", "no see you later", "I'll be back", "no what do want for lunch" and so much more. If I've learned anything from all the years we were together, it was that Gerry did things his way. Considering what the doctor told me about the condition of his heart, I have no doubt he was in a lot of pain. Maybe he knew that that particular Sunday was when he would lose the battle. People that were at church that Sunday told me that he went around talking to different ones as if he was saying goodbye. Several told me he was refusing to go to the hospital because he needed to get home to take care of his wife. As I've thought about that Sunday morning, I am so relieved he wasn't on his motorcycle somewhere or driving on the highway. It is 10 miles from our house to the church on Highway 50.
Gerry wasn't perfect, no one is...he was perfect for me. In the early days I focused so much on all the troublesome things about him, about our relationship, about how often he had broken my heart, about the times I wanted to end our marriage. The time came when I realized I had also played a big part in the problems we had yet we hung in there. I have no doubt he had some of the same thoughts. I never felt like God was telling me it was okay to walk away. And so even though there was a lot of "ugly" in our marriage, we loved each other unconditionally. He had so many great qualities...he loved to tease, he had a servant's heart, his laugh could be heard readily in a room full of people, he loved correcting me especially when I posted something on FB that he didn't feel was accurate, he loved his kids/grandkids, great grandkids, his extended family. The one thing that stood out about him was that he loved the Lord.
And so it is January 29, 2024...a full year that he hasn't been with me. For the most part, I do okay. The nights are difficult. I stay up until I just can't and then I lay in bed wide awake. By the time I do fall asleep, it is time to get up. One of my sister-in-laws told me to have a celebration of him by myself...to get a cake for myself and spend some time thinking about our life together. I may think about doing that. I think about him every day and think about the things we did together, places we went to and it helps.
All of this has made me draw closer to the Lord. I am in the Word on a daily basis. I started listening to the teachings of Gary Hamrick from Cornerstone Chapel in Leesburg, VA. It is a Calvary Chapel fellowship. I enjoy listening to him and his teachings have been so helpful. I finished his teachings on James today.
I sense God's presence with me. I know that I couldn't do this on my own strength.
There are so many family members and friends who have walked beside me also, praying for me and encouraging me. I am so humbled by all the love shown to me.
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